The Joke Thread

[Tex Star Detail]

I see a few threads with jokes, so I figured we could tell and keep them all in one place....
Post up your jokes.
RULES:
1. Keep them Semi-Clean
2. No Racial Jokes, you know the ones.
3. Post Jokes Only. If you have to reply, do it AND post a joke.

I'll start off....

Doctor's office

This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's

office why you are there, and you have to answer in

front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is

embarrassing.



There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who

insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room

full of other patients. I know most of us have

experienced this, and I love the way this old guy

handled it.



An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room

and approached the desk.... The Receptionist said,

"Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"



"There's something wrong with my d#ck, he replied.



The receptionist became irritated and said, "You

shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say

things like that."


"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,"

he said.


The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some

embarrassment in this room full of people. You should

have said there is something wrong with your ear or

something and discussed the problem further with the

Doctor in private."



The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions

in a room full of strangers, if the answer could

embarrass anyone."



The man walked out, waited several minutes and then

re-entered.


The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes??"


"There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.


The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled,

knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong

with your ear, Sir??"


"I can't piss out of it," he replied.


The waiting room erupted in laughter.

:cheers:

 

[Bigfoot]

Hillarous!

One we all know...

Knock, knock...

Who's there?

Me! I keel you! (Achmed the Dead Terrorist)

 

[Jimmie]

LOL. That was great. Sounds true too.

 

[Bonifax]

A boy tells his mother: "mom, mom, I don't like my little brother", and she replies "shut up and finish him"

A girl tells her mother: "mom, my cousin's d#ck is like a peanut", and she replies with a laugh "why because it's tiny", and the girl says "no, because it's salty"

 

[beavslu01]

I had to put this in, funny Chuck Norris joke.


On June 7th 1994, Chuck Norris entered the same restaurant supermodel Cindy Crawford was eating at. Instinctively, Cindy swept everything off the table, threw herself on it in a fit of lust, and begged Chuck to ravish her. After Chuck finished his beer, he obliged her. When Chuck's magnificent lead sperm cannoned into Cindy's womb it went straight to one of her ovaries and roared, "Which one of you servile wenches thinks you can handle getting split
open by the Chuck!?" All of the eggs cowered in the corner. The same thing happened at the other ovary. "I didn't fucking think so!" shouted the lead sperm which then lead the rest of the troops back into Chuck's balls. Chuck pulled out; roundhouse kicked Cindy in the face and told her, "Don't ever waste my time again."

 

[ricka]

GRANDMA IN COURT

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grand motherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

"If either of you xxxxx idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."

 

[supercharged]

GRANDMA IN COURT

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grand motherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

"If either of you xxxxx idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."

 

[THENIZZZEIL]

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first Anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them: "In medicine, it Is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is That you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth." Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my Middle finger and sucked on my Index finger. Now learn to pay attention."

 

[Totoland Mach]

Here's a good story....typical Cajun one!

This happened about a month ago just outside of Breaux Bridge, a littletown in the bayou country of Louisiana, and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real.

This out-of-state traveler was on the side of the road, hitchhiking on a real dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm. Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face.

Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly, approaching and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly and silently crept toward him and stopped. Wanting a ride real bad, the guy jumped in the car and closed the door; only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel,
and no sound of the engine to be heard over the rain.

Again the car crept slowly forward and guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy saw that the car was approaching a sharp curve and, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and begging for his life, he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and in the bayou, and he would surely drown! But just before the curve a shadowy figure appeared at the driver's window and a hand reached in and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend. Then, just as silently, the hand disappeared through the window and the hitchhiker was alone again.

Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally the guy, scared to near death, had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran to town.

Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey, then told everybody about his supernatural experience.

A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when they realized the guy was telling the truth (and not just some drunk).

About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar and one says to the other, "Look Boudreaux, ders dat idiot that rode in our car when we waz pushin' it in the rain."

 

[supercharged]

in this case I'll just post this joke - [ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NjJr1zL7l_Q]YouTube - "Out Cold" - Car On Ice[/video]

 

[Tex Star Detail]

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first Anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them: "In medicine, it Is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is That you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth." Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my Middle finger and sucked on my Index finger. Now learn to pay attention."

Here's a good story....typical Cajun one!

This happened about a month ago just outside of Breaux Bridge, a littletown in the bayou country of Louisiana, and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real.

This out-of-state traveler was on the side of the road, hitchhiking on a real dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm. Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face.

Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly, approaching and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly and silently crept toward him and stopped. Wanting a ride real bad, the guy jumped in the car and closed the door; only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel,
and no sound of the engine to be heard over the rain.

Again the car crept slowly forward and guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy saw that the car was approaching a sharp curve and, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and begging for his life, he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and in the bayou, and he would surely drown! But just before the curve a shadowy figure appeared at the driver's window and a hand reached in and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend. Then, just as silently, the hand disappeared through the window and the hitchhiker was alone again.

Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally the guy, scared to near death, had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran to town.

Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey, then told everybody about his supernatural experience.

A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when they realized the guy was telling the truth (and not just some drunk).

About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar and one says to the other, "Look Boudreaux, ders dat idiot that rode in our car when we waz pushin' it in the rain."

in this case I'll just post this joke - YouTube - "Out Cold" - Car On Ice

 

[wolfpacker92]

80 year old man goes up to a nudist colony. He tells the girl in the office he is thinking about joining. She tells him that the cost is $10,000. The old man says "Wow, $10,000 is a lot of money!" The woman says, "Well nudist colonies aren't for everyone. I'll tell you what why don't you go out and take a stroll around and see if it is really something you want to do".

The old man shucks off his clothes and starts to stroll around. Well lo and behold the first people he encounters are two beautiful young blondes. The old man gets aroused and the blondes seeing this ravish him into pure ecstasy. After the encounter the old man goes back to the office and tells the woman, "Here's my $10,000, I'm in!"

After paying and completing all the formalities he goes back out. As he is walking around he stumbles and falls down face first. While on the ground a man jumps out from the bushes and has his way with the old man and then runs away. The old man gets up brushes himself off and walks back into the office and tells the woman, "I want my money back because this nudist colony stuff just isn't for me".

The woman says, "Sir we rarely give money back without a good reason". The old man says "Look lady I'm 80 years old, my d#ck gets hard twice a year but I fall down 10 times a day!"

 

[Tolchock]

A man is waiting nervously for news of his new-born baby when a nurse walks in. “It’s bad news”, she says. “Your baby is badly deformed”.
Naturally the man tells himself that he will love the baby whatever it looks like. The midwife then leads the man out to the incubators. Passing a baby that is no more than a head, the midwife says “Brace yourself, dear – your baby is a lot worse than this”.
Finally they arrive at the incubator and the father stares open-mouthed at his child. For there, sitting on the blanket, is a pair of eyeballs blinking away.
“I’m sorry”, offers the midwife.
The man, holding back tears, says, “It’s my baby and I’ll look after it the best I can”.
He gives the little eyes a tender wave.
“I wouldn’t bother doing that”, says the midwife. “It’s blind”.

 

[Tex Star Detail]

I know his joke has been around, but for those who haven't seen it, READ IT.

I read it years ago, and still laugh every time.

Chili taster


The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.

The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy S**t, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.


Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili


Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili


Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting Sh*t-faced from all of the beer.


Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic


Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB. Bi#ch is starting to look HOT . . . just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?


Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover


Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!


Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety


Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge #3-- I Sh*t myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Bi#ch Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.


Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili


Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like poop to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.


Chili # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili


Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?